Five burning questions to help you and your kid 'survive' youth sports

NEWPORT, R.I. - Is it what your kid wants or is it what you want?

It’s a question perhaps we don’t ask ourselves enough regarding our sons' and daughters' sports.

One takeaway from my discussion about “Surviving Youth Sports” with parents at St. Michael’s Country Day School last week was that we all can get worried about the circumstances surrounding their sports experiences.

What is my son or daughter getting out of it?

Why aren’t they playing a certain position more?

Why doesn’t he or she want to play a team sport, or on a particular team?

Kids play pickup soccer at the Emerald Youth Sports Complex in Lonsdale, Tennessee, in 2022.

I presented to the group  10 misconceptions (often delusions) about youth sports, which can be driven by our anxiety. It’s a discussion that goes well beyond the walls of this toddler-eighth grade independent school.

I got the sense the parents in coastal Newport, who at times have to rely on co-op teams with neighboring communities (even at the high school level), found unusually deep value in their kids’ sports.

“Parents in Newport and the neighboring communities rely on each other,” says Kate Standifer, whose son, Alex, 10, attends St. Michael’s.

And they have many universal concerns, which I addressed during our discussion.

Here are my responses to five burning questions about youth sports. They likely are queries many parents can appreciate:

How much pressure is it OK to apply to your kids with youth sports?

This question was posed by a couple from Norway, a country that consistently racks up gold medals at the Winter Olympics. However, unlike in America, youth sports in the country revolve around unorganized free play and kids finding a fundamental enjoyment of athletics through fun and friendships.

“The model and the philosophy is so simple that they don’t believe us,” Inge Andersen, a former head of Norway's Olympic Committee, told NBC’s Mary Carillo for a documentary on youth athletics in the country.

Norway begins to identify its most promising athletes and invests in them around 13. However, if a kid shows an interest in something, we can start to raise the standards before that age, but those standards don’t come from us:

What happens if kids (or their parents) only want to play one position?

It’s a question that can weigh on youth coaches, as well as us. It’s so gratifying when our kids show an ability in something, whatever it is. Even at young ages, it allows all of us to dream about their future.

We don’t want to crush dreams – dreams are part of being kids – but we can also use them as part of our sons’ or daughters’ athletic development. As they get older, and perhaps strive to play in high school or college, being flexible will be an advantage.

Why not let them learn about it while they’re younger?

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What do you do if your kid really likes to play sports but has hesitation about being on a team?

A mom asked this question, which concerned her fifth grader who loved to play sports at recess.

Pickup play, a generation ago the impetus for our love of sports, gave rise to a number of future USMNT soccer players, while it continues to mark the development of future basketball players.

The Aspen Institute’s Project Play, an initiative with a goal to get 63% of kids playing organized sports by 2030, also emphasizes the value of pickup. It sees opportunities in areas like New York City and North Jersey to capitalize on it, especially when it can be spurred by interest in the World Cup.

“Pickup play is a way that you can learn about yourself and enjoy the game just for the love of the game, and be able to play more consistently,” says Jon Solomon, research director for the Aspen Institute’s Sports & Society Program.

Here’s how it might lead to a future in team sports:

How can we guide our kids through the emotional strains of sports and getting injured?

I mentioned to the parents in Newport how both of my sons (now high school baseball players) developed overuse injuries when they were around 11. We consulted doctors and they both stopped throwing for several weeks.

It’s tough to sit out but, when someone is injured, it’s an opportunity to develop everyone’s skills as teammates. Being a good teammate the most important quality we can gain from youth sports.

And when are kids are otherwise healthy, we can damage their psyches when we don’t let them experience sports themselves:

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Why is it important to have regular check-ins with your kids about their sports?

I wrote last week how a common misconception among parents is that it’s a good idea for us to stay and watch our sons’ and daughters’ practices. We want to give our children independence and autonomy but as parents, we also need to know they are healthy and content.

One mom said she has found having check-ins with them has been a valuable tool. Maybe they’re getting bullied  or something else is making them upset or they’re feeling they misstepped with something and are embarrassed.

As sports parents, try to avoid getting in the way of their connection with the experience but we can always give them opportunities to talk about them:

Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer with USA TODAY since 1999. He spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ baseball and basketball teams. He and his wife, Colleen, are now sports parents for two high schoolers. His Coach Steve column is posted weekly. For his past columns, click here.

Got a question for Coach Steve you want answered in a column? Email him atsborelli@usatoday.com

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Five burning questions to help parents, kids 'survive' youth sports