Is a Horseshoe a Sandwich? And Other Off-Season Big Ten Notes

But that’s simply not the point right now, damnit! You were LURED in here by the promise of a horseshoe in your pot, or the picture of Tricky Dick’s Late-Nite Saloon in Peoria, or perhaps my crafty search engine optimization tools that convinced you to click on this THINKING it was going to be chock-full of Big Ten football updates.

Here’s one: many Big Ten teams are in the too-early Top 25! Here’s another: Iowa’s a bunch of dirty cheaters, an article that 10 years ago would’ve required a HazMat suit to enter on this site!

With your whistle wetted from that oasis of #content in the off-season desert, let’s get to filling your belly with the metaphorical meal of Having Opinions on Food.

What’s the Big Idea?

What are you, in my Museums and Methods class? Thanks, Bev Serrell.

For the rest of you, the idea is simple: Invent a horseshoe sandwich for every Big Ten school.

A Horseshoe?

In case you didn’t click the link above or need a refresher, here’s a little overview on the pride of Springfield, the horseshoe sandwich:

Springfield offers up one of the most filling sandwiches in the Midwest.

This unique open-faced sandwich is definitely a must!!
Just know, it will blow your diet…but, it is so worth it!

Start off with two thick slices of toasted Texas Toast, topped with your choice of meat, then cover that with a heaping pile of crispy French fries and drench with homemade cheese sauce!! WOW!! This signature dish can be found at most local restaurants who serve pub & American-style food.

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You are correct: that looks delicious.

So what’s the deal with Tricky Dick’s Late-Nite Steakhouse in Peoria?

You never forget your first, and my first horseshoe came when I was approximately .25 BAC on a cool evening in Peoria, Illinois, in about 2013. We were visiting a friend in grad school, had been out drinking, and wanted a late-night meal.

Enter Richard’s Under Main.

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It did exactly what it said on the sign: served you unhealthy food until the wee hours of the morning.

I don’t remember much about Tricky Dick’s, but I do remember having a massive horseshoe down there and my friend throwing up in the bathroom.

It closed in 2018, reopened in 2022, and lasted just shy of a year.

I miss it every day.

But now, thanks to the state of Illinois, I’ve got horseshoes—and Big Ten football, of course—on my mind once again. So, approximately two times a week until (1) I’m fired, (2) the blog is shuttered, (3) I run out of energy, or (4) the dictat comes down to begin posting only listicles/wig reviews/recaps of German pornography, I or one of the other—nonexistent, at this point—Off Tackle Empire staffers will post the following:

1. An update on a Big Ten team—perhaps a Spring Game, a transfer portal update, or this absolutely reprehensible Pat Fitzgerald tongue-bath from a USA Today reporter who should honestly be ashamed and quit the profession—and
2. A recipe or concept of a horseshoe sandwich for that team.

Which will be more important and/or prominent?

Don’t be fucking stupid. Of course it’s the horseshoe.

What are the required components? I’m thinking I’d like to write for OTE.

1. A passing knowledge of college football
2. The ability to write in complete approximate things vaguely resembling sentences

I meant for the horseshoe, you dunce.

YES! Right. The horseshoe. All horseshoes should consist, approximately, of the following:

1. A bread. It need not be Texas toast! Perhaps a San Francisco sourdough, if Stanford and/or Cal were in the Big Ten (they are not, as of this writing, but who knows). Make it culturally or regionally appropriate.
2. A meatlike substance. Is Minnesota’s going to be SPAM? WHO’S TO SAY! (I like the idea, but let’s not pretend I have a plan here!) “Choice of meat” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. We’ll see where it goes.
3. A starchlike substance. Preferably a potato, but who knows! It should make sense and, preferably, be fried and unhealthy.
4. A liquid-adjacent viscous topping. Cheese sauce? SURE! Lingonberry jam? MAYBE! A gallon of XXX Root Beer? WHY NOT! The main qualifier here will be a liquid-based substance of relative viscosity. (Maybe root beer would be out for this one. Get back to me.)

It’s important to note: these will not just be reconstructions of a school’s, city’s, or state’s iconic dish but in horseshoe format. We’re not flattening a steamed hot dog bun, covering it in wieners, topping said wieners with fried onion strings, and then dousing it in chili and calling it a Coneyshoe—okay fuck that does sound amazing.

Do you see why we’re doing this article series?

OK. More on this in the coming days. Maybe as early as tomorrow! Probably not, though. Much like I didn’t do when I ate Coneys from both Lafayette and American in the span of 10 minutes when I was in Detroit last month, it’s a good idea to pace yourself.