Like huge team crests in a stadium tunnel, football’s confected controversies are hard to avoid | Max Rushden

Before long someone is yelling: “JUST GET DOWN THE TUNNEL BEFORE YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF YOU CAN’T HAVE AN OPEN TOP BUS PARADE FOR WINNING A SEMI” before saying the word “embarrassing” a lot. This sets the wheels in motion. Club legends come out in defence of their boys. To round it all off, some twee broadsheet writer who’s NEVER PLAYED THE GAME sits at his kitchen table with a peppermint tea and spends over 1,000 words he or she could be using for something that matters to announce that this really doesn’t matter. We all have a role to play.

The BBC Sport website published the perfect article – “Was Arsenal ecstasy justified or was it a ‘bit too much?’” Wayne Rooney gets the ball rolling on Prime Video. “They deserve to be in this position but they haven’t won it yet,” he says. “I think the celebrations are a little bit too much. Celebrate when you win.”

Out comes Ian Wright, my real true love [watches Mr Pigden video again*]*. “The celebration police will be out in force,” he says. “Do not get nicked! Enjoy yourselves, football’s about moments and this is a big moment. Enjoy it and let’s hope that in the final and after the final we have another massive moment. It’s a great day.”

Diego Simeone greets Mikel Arteta prior to the first leg of their clubs’ Champions League semi-final first leg. To the left, the Atlético crest which Ben White ‘controversially’ trod on. Photograph: David Ramos/Uefa/Getty Images

On TalkSport Gabby Agbonlahor isn’t sure about the fireworks. Arsenal fan Alan rings to tell him he never had fireworks because he wasn’t good enough, calling him “Gabby Agbonla-noclue”. Not sure it scans, Alan.

I would be too superstitious to buy fireworks in case of defeat. How many unopened boxes of fireworks are there hidden in football grounds after crushing and unexpected scorelines? Was there someone at the Emirates ready to pack them away if Atlético had won? Same goes for the number of unrevealed T-shirts players have worn under their kit for the big moment that never arrives? But it is of course a completely mad idea to suggest that people can’t be happy for having a nice time at an expensive thing where the outcome is what they were hoping for.

It is incredibly difficult to win anything. Most Arsenal fans I’ve spoken to this season have enjoyed almost none of it, which is hilarious given they are four games away from the most successful season in their history. Set off a thousand catherine wheels if you want to.

Where’s the line? There are plenty of stories of premature tattoos and there are stories of unnecessary parades. Tottenham had an open-top bus tour after the 1987 FA Cup final defeat by Coventry because they’d already booked it. Liverpool and Everton had a joint bus parade in 1986. Liverpool won the league and FA Cup, pipping Everton to both. The Everton players just sat below deck drinking cans until they all needed the toilet and ran into some suburban house in a line. What would the celebration police make of the 2010 New Zealand World Cup DVD “Undefeated”? Three games, three draws. Failed to reach the knockouts. To be fair, I would absolutely watch it.

My latest existential crisis comes from my four-year-old’s recent discovery of the existence of the solar system. And there’s a danger of severe nihilism when someone is explaining to you that the universe is almost 14 billion years old – can I really get exercised that Mikel Arteta can’t stay in his technical area when it’s 465C on Venus? On Jupiter there’s a storm the size of Earth that has been raging for 350 years with winds of over 400mph. You’d have to keep the ball on the deck in those conditions – perhaps it would be a leveller against Paris Saint-Germain. Go with the wind first half.

But however you find it, perspective is always a good thing. So if you want to celebrate, celebrate. If you want to get annoyed that people are celebrating, get annoyed. And if you want to get annoyed that people are creating content about people getting annoyed that people are celebrating … you get the point, or the pointlessness. And if you come over, I will not be disrespected if you step on the giant doormat with my own face on it.

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