Reds 2, Twins 1: Bats are cold on cold night (that’s no excuse!)

Matt Wallner gets HBP. That’s his third on the season. Backup catcher Victor Caratini has four. Former Twins catcher A.J. Pierzynski always used to get HBP a lot, but it wasn’t because he leaned out over the plate or anything. It’s ‘cause A.J. was a mean little trash-talking pest. On the field, that is. Maybe off the field he rescues lost puppies. And then eats them.

Anyhoo Buxton smacks a two-out single to move Wallner up. Austin Martin gets an eight-pitch walk. Bringing up Luke Keaschall, who is having a hard time getting going so far this year. He’s still having a hard time. He takes Strike Three, challenges the call, loses the challenge. It WAS really, really close, barely nicking the corner.

4: A one-out double by Snoop Dogg’s favorite Red, Elly De La Cruz. Stewart hits one right to Ryan Kreidler and he makes the throwing boo-boo; De La Cruz advances. Stewart steals second. Eugenio Suárez whacks a hanging breaking ball for a double, and Atteberry tells us “that error really hurts the Twins,” which is helpful because otherwise we wouldn’t have known. Ryan does strand Suárez, so the Twins don’t have to give up out of futile despair just yet. Be nice if they hit something against the bottom of the Cincinnati rotation, though. I spelled Cincinnati right on only two tries.

They do not hit anything against the bottom of the Cincinnati rotation. Reds 2-0

5: I put too much mustard on my hot dog and slopped a big amount on my shirt. I’m going to take this as an omen. We’ve piled too many early-season hopes on the Twins and it’s all gonna start oozing away. OR, because it’s a black shirt, the mustard won’t stain, AKA that 2-run-inning won’t stain this game. That’s the fun with omens, you can always read ‘em any way you want to.

Also, IS there such a thing as too much mustard on a hot dog?

Leadoff walk to Wallner. Ryan Kreidler tries bunting for a hit but it goes foul; he ends up taking the walk, though. Then Buxton walks. Austin Martin hits one hard into the alley and Will Benson makes a nice sliding catch to keep it just a sac fly; Wallner scores.

Then still-struggling Luke Keaschall says “the mustard was a BAD omen” and grounds into the inning-ending DP. Redlegs 2-1

6: Atteberry and Dan Gladden are having a fascinating argument about whether a whole bat just flew into the stands or just MOST of the bat because it broke real close to the handle. I am lying about this; it is NOT a fascinating argument. 1-2-3 for Ryan.

The OTHER Ryan, Jeffers, somehow pops up a pitch below the strike zone, and Josh Bell singles. Williamson now gone; Connor Phillips comes in with a 2.38 ERA. The Reds’ pen has been good so far this year. They do have old friend Emilio Pagán on the staff, but he’s got “a tight hammy and probably will be unavailable considering the chilly conditions,” per falcolntimmy. Alas. Bell doesn’t get any further.

7: Justin “On” Topa “Spaghetti” in for the Twins. Suárez greets him with a single. Then Buxton does his Jumpman thing at the wall for a loud first out. Jumpman was a 1983 video game I played on a Commodore 64; I copied it from a friend. On tape. Yes, you could load programs via cassette tapes in those days. I am older than most of you. Topa starts a nice 1-4-3 DP.

Graham Ashcraft (1.80 ERA) in. Gets one out, then Trevor Larnach (pinch-hitting for Kreidler) takes a walk; Tristan Gray (whoooo?) pinch-runs. Austin Martin singles… bringing up Keaschall again. I don’t need to tell you what happens next.

8: Kody FunderburK pitching. Keaschall at least makes a nice fielding play on a bunt.

Tony Santillan (0.00 ERA) in. Jeffers singles; Bell flies out. Caratini moves up Jeffers on a FC; James Outman now running for Jeffers. Matt Wallner (also struggling) on with two outs. Hits it hard (110.3) but it’s still an easy flyout.

9: Cole “Alberta Tar” Sands pitching. De La Cruz takes a one-out walk. Stewart beats out the back end of a DP; the guy can hit dingers (7 so far) and be fast, too. Suárez takes Strike Three for the last out. Atteberry with an actual useful fact; the Reds are 8-0 on games decided by two runs or less. I mean I saw their ERAs on BRef and I knew the bullpen was doing well, so it’s not THAT useful, but it’s not arguing about bat shards.

Guess what! It IS Pagán!

Brooks Lee pops up the first pitch. Gray strikes out. Buxton is fast but not fast enough on a grounder; Twins lose.

Studs: Joe Ryan (6.0 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, 0 BB, 6 K), Minnesota boy Brandon Willamson, and both teams’ bullpens. Duds: Keaschall, Wallner.

COTG go goose for reacting to to the early (incorrect) news that Pagán was unavailable: “Noooooooooooooooo (our one shot at winning!),” SooFoo for the ninth-inning “Can’t believe Pagán is about to ruin another twins game,” and sandwiches for “50 Shades of Tristan Gray”

History COTG to Nagurski for “The reds to me are a kind of mirror of the cowboys in the nfl… both teams become good in the late 60s but are kept from winning the whole enchilada, for the cowboys it was the Packers and colts and the reds were blocked by the pirates, Orioles and the A’s until both broke thru in the 70s. The big red machine was loaded and played in the second best world series ever, the 75 red sox series which was one of the last I remember with Gowdy broadcasting”

See, there’s ONE of you older than me. Thanks to everybody who joined in on the gamethread.

Tomorrow’s game is at 1:10, featuring something called an Andrew Abbott against red-hot Taj Bradley.